the date-time continuum

What is an appropriate amount of time to spend attempting to have sex with a girl before you should just stop it? This depends on a complex number of factors, and there should probably be some kind of a graph or something involved. First, there must be some assumptions, such as: One--the man is always a "10" (for the sake of simplicity); Two--the time spent attempting to have sex, for the sake of this argument, will be measured in "date time," which consists of some type of communication being made at least every other day. Alright, now that those are out of the way, we will now move on to the important stuff. Four weeks is the maximum amount of date time that should ever be spent on trying to get those panties off. After that, just throw in the towel and try and bang some other chick. Now, the date-time continuum is different for every individual, and you need to set up your own parameters, but they will be fairly similar in appearance. So, the y-axis will represent date time and the x-axis will represent a number of factors, including the age of the girl, her attractiveness, and some others, but it basically represents your desire to have sex with her. We will, therefore, give every girl a score, from 1-10, which will represent your desire to bang her. I will have my math genius friends come up with an equation for better explanation on the number scale. When I come up with an awesome graph for this, I will post it. Basically, the moral of this story is: don't spend too much time trying to get a girl in bed. If you want further explanation on why its bad to wais, see my earlier post, "First date, why wait?"

conspiracy

Why do I feel like there is some conspiracy against me right now? Every time I set something up with a girl, and they seem excited about it, they mysteriously stop talking to me? Last night, for example, I set up a date with a girl, and then she never contacted me again. And tonight, a girl was going to come over with one of her friends and we were going to hang out and now she has not returned my call or text from yesterday. What is going on here? Either I am just paranoid, or there is someone that is out to destroy me.

girls are crazy

Seriously. You are all crazy. First off, if you want to hang out or do something with someone, just fucking say it. Don't be all lame and try and drop "hints" and get all pissy if I don't pick up on them, because my life does not revolve around you and everything you say and do. My life revolves around me because I am a narcissist and I like it that way. Obviously. And, if you are upset at something that someone does or says, just tell them. Oh, and as Evan (not this one) says, giving someone the silent treatment with text messages is not very effective, because there are a million reasons that someone may not return a text, but everyone automatically assumes it is because the person is ignoring them, which is usually not true, so when it is true, I have already come up with a million reasons why the person is not answering me, and it is usually (never) not because the person is pissed off. So if you are upset, just say it. And if one more girl decides to get back at me for something by playing "games" I swear I am going to nail all of her friends, video tape it, and send it to her for Christmas.

changing it up

In case anyone is still reading this, and you are probably not because I have not posted anything in like a year, I have decided to change the format of the blog. I am just going to rant about random crap. So get ready. Maybe.

the booty call

The booty call is a sacred and sometimes tricky relationship. You must keep your booty call at a safe distance so that it doesn't end, or worse, turn into a relationship. In order to do this, there are a few simple guidelines. First, don't talk to them more than about once a week at the most. If you start seeing them all the time, that's a girlfriend. Second, don't plan anything very far in advance (ie text them and see if they want to hook up in the next few minutes, not days). NEVER STAY THE NIGHT WITH THEM. This can only lead to an awkward breakfast and just bad news. In fact, once the deed is done, get out of there as quickly as possible. Once you get what you came for, there is really no need to stay. You don't try and spoon with the person that serves you coffee, do you? And remember, at all times, keep it professional. The booty call is simply a sexual exchange between two consenting adults, so don't make it anything more than it is.

How to be Awesome

Wherever I go, people are always asking me "Evan, how is it that you are so awesome all the time?" I normally just laugh and say something awesome in response, but it is now time that I let everyone in on some secrets.
Step 1. Don't be Lame
Seriously. The most important thing to do on your way to being awesome is to not be lame. And by this, I mean don't go out with your friends and then leave for some lame reason, like "Dude, I was totally having fun hitting on hot chicks with you, but i am going to go to a party with a bunch of dudes and we are going to give each other hand-jobs." Everyone knows what being lame entails, so just don't.
Step 2. Make fun of people
This always works. When you are making fun of people, make sure they can't hear it. It is way funnier when people can't defend themselves. In fact, making fun if inanimate objects is hilarious. For example, "hey rope! Nice tensile strength! I bet you couldn't even hold up your mom!"
Step 3. Always have a comeback line
When people make fun of you and you can hear it (ie they broke step 2) have a comeback line to humiliate them, and simultaneously make you awesome. Some classics include "your mom," "your face," or "that's what she said." Try not to overuse any of these, or you will be lame.
Step 4. Get a catch phrase
People with catch phrases are cool. And people without a catch phrase are lame. If your friends know what you will say in response to situations, it means that you are awesome. For serious. But don't use my line, or I will fucking kill you.
Step 5. Pick up on lots of hot chicks
Nobody has ever said, in the history of ever, "Oh, dude, that guy is so lame, he always has a bunch of hot chicks around him." In fact, if anyone has ever said that, they should be shot. So, instead of being lame and not talking to hot chicks, go up and talk to them! In fact, start by hitting on the hottest chick you can find, and work your way down from there (more on that topic later).
Step 6. DON'T BE LAME!!!!
I know I said it already, but I left some stuff out. When your friends call and say "Hey bro, lets go do something awesome," your response should not be "sorry, I have fag practice, and am unable to attend the awesomeness." Now, it doesn't matter what your response is, but all your friends hear is "blah, blah, blah, I am lame." So, the most important thing to remember if you want to be awesome, is just don't be lame.

BINGO!!!

These are the rules to the greatest game ever invented: Pickup Line Bingo.
First, you need to do this with some friends, or by yourself if you are awesome. Next, pick 24 of the cheesiest pickup lines you can think of, and arrange them on a 25-space Bingo-style card (with a free space in the middle, of course). Always decide the prize for getting "bingo" before starting. Now, the rules are:
1. To mark off a space, you must get at least a phone number or a kiss.
2. You can only play one card at a time.
3. Everyone has to play with the same lines arranged differently on their cards.
4. Has to be played with 5s and up (no fat chicks).
5. All lines must be said within earshot of a witness.
6. To get bingo, you must get 5 squares straight across, down, or diagonally.
7. If you get laid, you automatically win.
8. If you get slapped or have a drink thrown at you, your friends must pick up your tab for the night.
9. All discrepencies must be decided by majority vote with the participants.
10. If you use a line and it doesn't work, you can not use that line again.

Enjoy.