Wednesday, September 30, 2009
the booty call
The booty call is a sacred and sometimes tricky relationship. You must keep your booty call at a safe distance so that it doesn't end, or worse, turn into a relationship. In order to do this, there are a few simple guidelines. First, don't talk to them more than about once a week at the most. If you start seeing them all the time, that's a girlfriend. Second, don't plan anything very far in advance (ie text them and see if they want to hook up in the next few minutes, not days). NEVER STAY THE NIGHT WITH THEM. This can only lead to an awkward breakfast and just bad news. In fact, once the deed is done, get out of there as quickly as possible. Once you get what you came for, there is really no need to stay. You don't try and spoon with the person that serves you coffee, do you? And remember, at all times, keep it professional. The booty call is simply a sexual exchange between two consenting adults, so don't make it anything more than it is.
Monday, August 31, 2009
How to be Awesome
Wherever I go, people are always asking me "Evan, how is it that you are so awesome all the time?" I normally just laugh and say something awesome in response, but it is now time that I let everyone in on some secrets.
Step 1. Don't be Lame
Seriously. The most important thing to do on your way to being awesome is to not be lame. And by this, I mean don't go out with your friends and then leave for some lame reason, like "Dude, I was totally having fun hitting on hot chicks with you, but i am going to go to a party with a bunch of dudes and we are going to give each other hand-jobs." Everyone knows what being lame entails, so just don't.
Step 2. Make fun of people
This always works. When you are making fun of people, make sure they can't hear it. It is way funnier when people can't defend themselves. In fact, making fun if inanimate objects is hilarious. For example, "hey rope! Nice tensile strength! I bet you couldn't even hold up your mom!"
Step 3. Always have a comeback line
When people make fun of you and you can hear it (ie they broke step 2) have a comeback line to humiliate them, and simultaneously make you awesome. Some classics include "your mom," "your face," or "that's what she said." Try not to overuse any of these, or you will be lame.
Step 4. Get a catch phrase
People with catch phrases are cool. And people without a catch phrase are lame. If your friends know what you will say in response to situations, it means that you are awesome. For serious. But don't use my line, or I will fucking kill you.
Step 5. Pick up on lots of hot chicks
Nobody has ever said, in the history of ever, "Oh, dude, that guy is so lame, he always has a bunch of hot chicks around him." In fact, if anyone has ever said that, they should be shot. So, instead of being lame and not talking to hot chicks, go up and talk to them! In fact, start by hitting on the hottest chick you can find, and work your way down from there (more on that topic later).
Step 6. DON'T BE LAME!!!!
I know I said it already, but I left some stuff out. When your friends call and say "Hey bro, lets go do something awesome," your response should not be "sorry, I have fag practice, and am unable to attend the awesomeness." Now, it doesn't matter what your response is, but all your friends hear is "blah, blah, blah, I am lame." So, the most important thing to remember if you want to be awesome, is just don't be lame.
Step 1. Don't be Lame
Seriously. The most important thing to do on your way to being awesome is to not be lame. And by this, I mean don't go out with your friends and then leave for some lame reason, like "Dude, I was totally having fun hitting on hot chicks with you, but i am going to go to a party with a bunch of dudes and we are going to give each other hand-jobs." Everyone knows what being lame entails, so just don't.
Step 2. Make fun of people
This always works. When you are making fun of people, make sure they can't hear it. It is way funnier when people can't defend themselves. In fact, making fun if inanimate objects is hilarious. For example, "hey rope! Nice tensile strength! I bet you couldn't even hold up your mom!"
Step 3. Always have a comeback line
When people make fun of you and you can hear it (ie they broke step 2) have a comeback line to humiliate them, and simultaneously make you awesome. Some classics include "your mom," "your face," or "that's what she said." Try not to overuse any of these, or you will be lame.
Step 4. Get a catch phrase
People with catch phrases are cool. And people without a catch phrase are lame. If your friends know what you will say in response to situations, it means that you are awesome. For serious. But don't use my line, or I will fucking kill you.
Step 5. Pick up on lots of hot chicks
Nobody has ever said, in the history of ever, "Oh, dude, that guy is so lame, he always has a bunch of hot chicks around him." In fact, if anyone has ever said that, they should be shot. So, instead of being lame and not talking to hot chicks, go up and talk to them! In fact, start by hitting on the hottest chick you can find, and work your way down from there (more on that topic later).
Step 6. DON'T BE LAME!!!!
I know I said it already, but I left some stuff out. When your friends call and say "Hey bro, lets go do something awesome," your response should not be "sorry, I have fag practice, and am unable to attend the awesomeness." Now, it doesn't matter what your response is, but all your friends hear is "blah, blah, blah, I am lame." So, the most important thing to remember if you want to be awesome, is just don't be lame.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
BINGO!!!
These are the rules to the greatest game ever invented: Pickup Line Bingo.
First, you need to do this with some friends, or by yourself if you are awesome. Next, pick 24 of the cheesiest pickup lines you can think of, and arrange them on a 25-space Bingo-style card (with a free space in the middle, of course). Always decide the prize for getting "bingo" before starting. Now, the rules are:
1. To mark off a space, you must get at least a phone number or a kiss.
2. You can only play one card at a time.
3. Everyone has to play with the same lines arranged differently on their cards.
4. Has to be played with 5s and up (no fat chicks).
5. All lines must be said within earshot of a witness.
6. To get bingo, you must get 5 squares straight across, down, or diagonally.
7. If you get laid, you automatically win.
8. If you get slapped or have a drink thrown at you, your friends must pick up your tab for the night.
9. All discrepencies must be decided by majority vote with the participants.
10. If you use a line and it doesn't work, you can not use that line again.
Enjoy.
First, you need to do this with some friends, or by yourself if you are awesome. Next, pick 24 of the cheesiest pickup lines you can think of, and arrange them on a 25-space Bingo-style card (with a free space in the middle, of course). Always decide the prize for getting "bingo" before starting. Now, the rules are:
1. To mark off a space, you must get at least a phone number or a kiss.
2. You can only play one card at a time.
3. Everyone has to play with the same lines arranged differently on their cards.
4. Has to be played with 5s and up (no fat chicks).
5. All lines must be said within earshot of a witness.
6. To get bingo, you must get 5 squares straight across, down, or diagonally.
7. If you get laid, you automatically win.
8. If you get slapped or have a drink thrown at you, your friends must pick up your tab for the night.
9. All discrepencies must be decided by majority vote with the participants.
10. If you use a line and it doesn't work, you can not use that line again.
Enjoy.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Be Assertive
Nobody likes a wimpy guy. The kind of guys that always ask if your ok, or whats wrong, or "you can come over if you want" and shit like that. Seriously, be a man. Girls like guys that are confident and assertive. So, just be more confident. And if you are not a confident guy in genera, just fake it till you make it. When you walk up to a girl to start a conversation, be a man about it. Just pretend (or believe) that you are awesome and she wants to talk to you. And if you have been talking to a girl for a while and want to take it to the next level, don't ask. Don't rape her or anything like that, but if you want to kiss her, go in for it. If you want to get more physical, do it. Or, what always works (sometimes) just tell a girl that you are going to take her back to your house and fuck her brains out. If it doesn't work, then move on. And if it does, your welcome. It is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. So, for serious, be the man in the relationship. Women want a real man, not a fairy that they can beat up.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Oral
Merriam-Webster defines sexual intercourse as "1 : heterosexual intercourse involving penetration of the vagina by the penis 2: intercourse involving genital contact between individuals other than penetration of the vagina by the penis"
So, as I see it, this still leaves the fundamental question unanswered: Does oral count? I contest that it does. What is meant by genital contact? Do both genitals need to be touching each other? I say no. I figure that as long as penetration and coitus occur, it is sex. If not, then does anal count? because I do not think of the anus as genitalia. But who am I to say. I am willing to bet that most girls will say that oral doesn't count because they want to keep their numbers down, and most guys say that it does to boost theirs. I want to finally lay this argument to rest. I will be having a poll to keep track of the results, and please present your arguments in the comments of this post.
So, as I see it, this still leaves the fundamental question unanswered: Does oral count? I contest that it does. What is meant by genital contact? Do both genitals need to be touching each other? I say no. I figure that as long as penetration and coitus occur, it is sex. If not, then does anal count? because I do not think of the anus as genitalia. But who am I to say. I am willing to bet that most girls will say that oral doesn't count because they want to keep their numbers down, and most guys say that it does to boost theirs. I want to finally lay this argument to rest. I will be having a poll to keep track of the results, and please present your arguments in the comments of this post.
Making Plans
As a rule of thumb, do not make any plans with someone farther in the future than half the length of the relationship. This excludes dinner and dates and things of that nature, of course. I am talking about serious plans, like a road trip, concert, or pretty much anything that you would not be able to meet the person there. This is just creepy. For instance, if you have been seeing someone for a few weeks, and it is going alright, and then you ask them to go to a wedding with you in two months, this will probably freak them out. So, just don't do it! And besides, going to weddings stag is a great way to pick up girls: they are horny and lonely and just want to be with someone. Getting back on track, you do not want to get someone you are just starting to see thinking about the future. This is, as I said, just going to make them freak out! Even if you could be with them that far in the future, getting them thinking about 'the future' may prevent that from happening. So, for serious, keep it casual, and when it gets closer to the event that you were planning on going to with them, just ask them then.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Suit up!
Wearing a suit is awesome. I could end the blog with that, but I should probably go into greater detail. Wearing nice clothes is a confidence booster. Everyone looks good in a suit, and everyone feels good in a suit. Also, especially in Reno, wearing a suit draws attention--in a positive way. When you roll into a bar in a suit, everyone is going to take an extra second to look at you, mostly to say to themselves "who wears a fucking suit in Reno?!" But there are also plenty of ladies looking at you, saying to themselves "I wish more guys in Reno wore suits" (at least that is what I am hoping they are saying). This goes the same for the ladies: when an attractive woman comes into anywhere in a dress, it separates them from the crowd. This is called "Peacocking," named, of course, after the impressive display of the peacock to attract a mate. So, all in all, if you are maybe a little shy, or a lot awesome, try wearing a suit next time you go out and see what king of reaction you get.
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