How to be Awesome

Wherever I go, people are always asking me "Evan, how is it that you are so awesome all the time?" I normally just laugh and say something awesome in response, but it is now time that I let everyone in on some secrets.
Step 1. Don't be Lame
Seriously. The most important thing to do on your way to being awesome is to not be lame. And by this, I mean don't go out with your friends and then leave for some lame reason, like "Dude, I was totally having fun hitting on hot chicks with you, but i am going to go to a party with a bunch of dudes and we are going to give each other hand-jobs." Everyone knows what being lame entails, so just don't.
Step 2. Make fun of people
This always works. When you are making fun of people, make sure they can't hear it. It is way funnier when people can't defend themselves. In fact, making fun if inanimate objects is hilarious. For example, "hey rope! Nice tensile strength! I bet you couldn't even hold up your mom!"
Step 3. Always have a comeback line
When people make fun of you and you can hear it (ie they broke step 2) have a comeback line to humiliate them, and simultaneously make you awesome. Some classics include "your mom," "your face," or "that's what she said." Try not to overuse any of these, or you will be lame.
Step 4. Get a catch phrase
People with catch phrases are cool. And people without a catch phrase are lame. If your friends know what you will say in response to situations, it means that you are awesome. For serious. But don't use my line, or I will fucking kill you.
Step 5. Pick up on lots of hot chicks
Nobody has ever said, in the history of ever, "Oh, dude, that guy is so lame, he always has a bunch of hot chicks around him." In fact, if anyone has ever said that, they should be shot. So, instead of being lame and not talking to hot chicks, go up and talk to them! In fact, start by hitting on the hottest chick you can find, and work your way down from there (more on that topic later).
Step 6. DON'T BE LAME!!!!
I know I said it already, but I left some stuff out. When your friends call and say "Hey bro, lets go do something awesome," your response should not be "sorry, I have fag practice, and am unable to attend the awesomeness." Now, it doesn't matter what your response is, but all your friends hear is "blah, blah, blah, I am lame." So, the most important thing to remember if you want to be awesome, is just don't be lame.

BINGO!!!

These are the rules to the greatest game ever invented: Pickup Line Bingo.
First, you need to do this with some friends, or by yourself if you are awesome. Next, pick 24 of the cheesiest pickup lines you can think of, and arrange them on a 25-space Bingo-style card (with a free space in the middle, of course). Always decide the prize for getting "bingo" before starting. Now, the rules are:
1. To mark off a space, you must get at least a phone number or a kiss.
2. You can only play one card at a time.
3. Everyone has to play with the same lines arranged differently on their cards.
4. Has to be played with 5s and up (no fat chicks).
5. All lines must be said within earshot of a witness.
6. To get bingo, you must get 5 squares straight across, down, or diagonally.
7. If you get laid, you automatically win.
8. If you get slapped or have a drink thrown at you, your friends must pick up your tab for the night.
9. All discrepencies must be decided by majority vote with the participants.
10. If you use a line and it doesn't work, you can not use that line again.

Enjoy.

Be Assertive

Nobody likes a wimpy guy. The kind of guys that always ask if your ok, or whats wrong, or "you can come over if you want" and shit like that. Seriously, be a man. Girls like guys that are confident and assertive. So, just be more confident. And if you are not a confident guy in genera, just fake it till you make it. When you walk up to a girl to start a conversation, be a man about it. Just pretend (or believe) that you are awesome and she wants to talk to you. And if you have been talking to a girl for a while and want to take it to the next level, don't ask. Don't rape her or anything like that, but if you want to kiss her, go in for it. If you want to get more physical, do it. Or, what always works (sometimes) just tell a girl that you are going to take her back to your house and fuck her brains out. If it doesn't work, then move on. And if it does, your welcome. It is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. So, for serious, be the man in the relationship. Women want a real man, not a fairy that they can beat up.

Oral

Merriam-Webster defines sexual intercourse as "1 : heterosexual intercourse involving penetration of the vagina by the penis 2: intercourse involving genital contact between individuals other than penetration of the vagina by the penis"
So, as I see it, this still leaves the fundamental question unanswered: Does oral count? I contest that it does. What is meant by genital contact? Do both genitals need to be touching each other? I say no. I figure that as long as penetration and coitus occur, it is sex. If not, then does anal count? because I do not think of the anus as genitalia. But who am I to say. I am willing to bet that most girls will say that oral doesn't count because they want to keep their numbers down, and most guys say that it does to boost theirs. I want to finally lay this argument to rest. I will be having a poll to keep track of the results, and please present your arguments in the comments of this post.

Making Plans

As a rule of thumb, do not make any plans with someone farther in the future than half the length of the relationship. This excludes dinner and dates and things of that nature, of course. I am talking about serious plans, like a road trip, concert, or pretty much anything that you would not be able to meet the person there. This is just creepy. For instance, if you have been seeing someone for a few weeks, and it is going alright, and then you ask them to go to a wedding with you in two months, this will probably freak them out. So, just don't do it! And besides, going to weddings stag is a great way to pick up girls: they are horny and lonely and just want to be with someone. Getting back on track, you do not want to get someone you are just starting to see thinking about the future. This is, as I said, just going to make them freak out! Even if you could be with them that far in the future, getting them thinking about 'the future' may prevent that from happening. So, for serious, keep it casual, and when it gets closer to the event that you were planning on going to with them, just ask them then.

Suit up!

Wearing a suit is awesome. I could end the blog with that, but I should probably go into greater detail. Wearing nice clothes is a confidence booster. Everyone looks good in a suit, and everyone feels good in a suit. Also, especially in Reno, wearing a suit draws attention--in a positive way. When you roll into a bar in a suit, everyone is going to take an extra second to look at you, mostly to say to themselves "who wears a fucking suit in Reno?!" But there are also plenty of ladies looking at you, saying to themselves "I wish more guys in Reno wore suits" (at least that is what I am hoping they are saying). This goes the same for the ladies: when an attractive woman comes into anywhere in a dress, it separates them from the crowd. This is called "Peacocking," named, of course, after the impressive display of the peacock to attract a mate. So, all in all, if you are maybe a little shy, or a lot awesome, try wearing a suit next time you go out and see what king of reaction you get.

Rules for a threeway

This one is for you, Ty.

For a threeway to be considered official, there are three criteria that must be met. First, there must be penetration of both girls. As an addition, the penetration must happen in quick succession and in the presence of both girls. Second, the penetration of one girl must be accompanied by the interaction of the second girl, preferably with each other. Third, and most importantly, you must 'finish' in the presence of both girls, preferably with the interaction of both girls. If not all three criteria are met, the threeway does not count. But, on the other hand, if you can pull off even one of these, it is pretty awesome.

The Month Rule

Everyone has been through a dry spell. The dry spell is a relative scale, though. For me, a couple of weeks without something wet and I start to go a little crazy. And the dry spell can happen for a number of reasons, such as working the wrong shifts, going out to the wrong places, or getting 'the yips.' But, whatever the reason, sometimes enough is enough and you need to end it--any way possible. This is why there is the Month Rule: if it has been longer than a month since your last sexual encounter, your friends must look the other way while you end the streak. This may involve repeat business, hooking up with a bro, or just bagging whoever says 'yes' next. As I have found, once the dry streak ends, your confidence goes back to normal and you are able to continue business as usual. It is crucial, however, that your friends respect the Month Rule, because ending the streak may be something you may never want to think about. Ever.

Why chicks dress up

When you go out to a bar and see a girl that is very attractive and dressed up, it may be a little intimidating. But, it should be quite the opposite, for one simple reason: girls that get dressed up when they go out are looking for attention. So, when you see a girl that is dressed up, they are looking for attention and want you to notice them. If they were just going out to be with their friends or whatever else you may think they are up to, they would not spend any time at all to get ready. And nobody wears slutty dresses to work, so you know they must have changed before going out. Any girl with revealing clothing on knows exactly what that clothing is going to get: guys lining up out the block to talk to them and buy them drinks. So, long story short, girls that get dressed up to go out want to get laid. So help them out.

Watching Porn

It is my personal opinion that if you want to be good at something, you should learn from the best. And who is better at sex than porn stars. So, logically, if you want to be good at sex, you should watch more porn. And I mean actually watch it, beginning to end, not just three minutes till you get off. One of my friends constantly complains about guys who are terrible in bed, and this is a huge deal-breaker. So, as I just said, if you are not getting girls to line up around the block to get on your business, I suggest that you watch porn to bring your game to the next level. And when you watch it, really pay attention to everything: the moves, the progression, everything that is going on. Next time you get a girl in bed, try out some of the new moves, and mostly just be confident about it. As I said last time, girls want to be dominated in bed, so get in there and be a porn star!

Some like it rough

In my life, I have found one thing to be true about 99 percent of women: they want hot, rough, crazy sex. All those lame ass Hollywood sex scenes with the guys passionately embracing the girls, looking deeply into each other's eyes, blah, blah, blah. I am sure that when you are 'making love' with your wife, trying to make babies, this crap is ok. But, for girls that you are just getting into bed with, they want that hot, rough, animal-style, porno-level sex. Nobody has ever complained that the sex was too good. So I say, take it to the next level. Throw them around, spank, slap, choke, do everything you have ever seen in a porno and have always wanted to try (more on porno later). So gentlemen, next time you are with a lady for the first time, go ahead and be adventerous. If anything, she will just think that you are accustomed to wilder sex, and maybe try and step up her game.

Line 'em up

A friend of mine and I have been discussing this topic fairly often lately. She is concerned because she feels that it is wrong to date multiple people at the same time. I keep saying, if there isn't a ring on that finger, keep dating as many people as you want. Until you are in a committed relationship with someone, you do not have to be monogamous. If you have not had the conversation to be in an exclusive relationship, you do not have to be in an exclusive relationship! I say have a line of dates with different people that stretches around the block. Who knows... maybe you are dating someone who you like, and then someone even better comes along. Just because you went on a few dates with someone doesn't mean that you can't go out with someone else. So, line 'em up!

First date, why wait

A friend of mine and I have been on a lot of dates recently (not with each other), and have run into a huge problem: nobody wants to have sex. All of these lame ass kids "want to take it slow" and "don't want to ruin everything by having sex too early." Now, either they are all terrible in bed, or they are hanging on to some Hollywood notion of "true love" from the 1900's. In today's society, sex is an important part of every relationship. So, what happens if you date someone for oh, lets say a month before you finally get to have sex, and its terrible! And I mean really, really bad... like having sex with a, well, you get the idea. So, this is why we came up with another epic rule: First date, why wait. If you are going to have a serious relationship with someone, having sex on the first night is not going to ruin it. And if its not that great, at least you know what you are getting into.

Lemon Law

I can not take credit for this, but it is my duty to tell everyone about the Lemon Law. The Lemon Law states: within the first 5 minutes of a first date, either party has the privilege to end that date, no hard feelings, try again next time. It takes 5 minutes with a person to tell if they are going to be worth dating, and any time after that in a date where you know that there will not be a second is just plain rude. It is easier to end the date early than spend an evening with a person you have absolutely no interest in.